Lucie Sulaimanova - July 11, 2015
“In our world, all living things gravitate towards their own kind, even flowers, bowing in the wind, are mixed with other flowers, all swans are familiar to the swan - and only people are isolated in loneliness.”
Saint - Exupery Antoine De
Loneliness sounds like a verdict. Wondering when you're in a multimillion dollar big city why so many people are lonely. What is behind this ominous word that plunges you into melancholy, meaninglessness of life, deep despondency? If we accept the fact that everything in this world does not happen by chance, then why was this test given?
Basal anxiety
I would like to start researching this topic with the words of Erich Fromm, the German-American psychologist “As a child comes into this world, he realizes that he is alone, that he is an entity separate from all others. This isolation from the world, overwhelmingly strong and powerful and often threatening and dangerous in comparison with individual existence, gives rise to powerlessness and anxiety. "
Psychologists call this syndrome basal anxiety (a feeling of loneliness and helplessness experienced by a person in a potentially hostile world). Formed feeling of insecurity coming from childhood. It is not due to the full satisfaction of the feeling of love. The need for it was much higher than the mother could give to the child. This childish fear at the level of the unconscious pushes the adult to avoid close and long-term relationships in every possible way.
Negative personal experience
Repeated personal negative experiences become a serious problem for creating new relationships. Feelings of disappointment in partners leave deep emotional wounds. If the period of "rehabilitation" was protracted and the situations were repeated, then a person forms a stable distrust of the entire opposite sex (one size fits all), without giving up attempts to find his other half. Along with this, self-esteem falls and self-doubt arises as a person worthy of love and harmonious relationships.
Parent script
The scenario of parenting is of great importance. In single-parent families, the child does not have the opportunity to learn a happy relationship. There is no understanding of how to behave with the opposite sex to build long-term relationships, what is the role of each partner in the family.
If one of the parents leaves, the child often takes it personally. The conviction "I am bad (bad), not worthy of love" is formed. In cases when the father leaves, the daughter in adulthood will unconsciously expect betrayal from men, since for the girl the father is an “idol” and the first man in her life.
In the same situation, boys develop an algorithm of behavior, “if something doesn’t suit you, you can leave the family - this is normal”.
A parental relationship full of bitterness and regret (one of the partners suffers from alcohol dependence, changes or causes bodily harm) can devalue the child's concept of family. In many cases, such a matured person will avoid starting a family or behave in a way to gain confirmation of their beliefs.
Opinion of others
Dependence on someone else's opinion is a consequence of self-doubt. The desire to be good (good), to please people makes you constantly adjust to the expectations of others. The fear of condemnation at some point in life becomes more important than the true needs of a person.
The most important opinion is the opinion of the parents: “he (she) does not suit you, you deserve the best”, “he earns little, how does he plan to support his family?”, “She will not be able to adequately raise your children”, “if she (he) is divorced , it means bad character, you will be overtaken by the same consideration ”,“ she (he) is of a different religion, you have no future ”,“ we will accept only a woman (man) of our nationality into our family ”, etc.
Distorted family roles
The family includes the following roles: parents (dad and mom), children. The relationship between family members should be consistent with the position held. Between spouses: husband - wife, between children: sister - brother, between parents and children: mom-dad - child.
If someone breaks the tacit agreement in behavior, the role is distorted. For example, a mother is too busy with her own affairs, housework, raising children, there is not enough time for a spouse. In such situations, one can observe how the father unites with his daughter in a separate camp. Psychologically, the daughter takes the place of the “wife”. Another situation is when a mother ceases to respect her partner and unites with her son. In him she sees a real man: smart, strong, who can take care of her. In other words, the son takes the place of the "husband." Another example, the father leaves the family or dies early, the older child has to shift part of the father's worries about the family onto his shoulders and take his place.
In all of these cases, the psychological place of “husband or wife” is occupied, it is difficult for such people to build relationships with the opposite sex in real life.
Self-dislike
Many people are overly critical of themselves. This approach often plays a negative role in a person's life. He, as a rule, compares himself to others, forgetting about his individuality. There are generally accepted opinions in society about the successful representative of humanity. How it should look like, how a career should be built, material achievements and much more. Non-compliance with the established criteria forms in the individual a negative image of himself - a loser (loser) who is not worthy of love.
The situation is aggravated by parental attitudes "look at yourself, men (women) love ... and you" good men(women) have been busy for a long time ”,“ who will look at you ”, etc. Unfortunately, the phrases unconscious by the parents are being introduced into the consciousness of the “child” as a program for life. Trying to correspond to ideas about oneself through the parental prism of perception, a person tries in every possible way to satisfy these standards. The misconception that I will now do one thing, another, and the third, and after that everything will be fine, does not work. There will always be many obstacles preventing perfection from being achieved.
Inner confidence and self-love do not depend on the reference image. This is a personal assessment of everyone, acceptance of himself as he is.
This article has analyzed only part of the reasons that lead to loneliness - a feeling of emptiness, sadness and inner pain. We will not stop there. Join the exploration of this hot topic in the next article.
And today, before I put an end, I will share the statements of two famous writers in order to look at loneliness from a different angle.
“Loneliness has become a kind of shameful disease. Why is everyone so shy of him? Because it makes you think. In our day, Descartes would not have written: "I think, so I am." He would say: "I am alone - that means I am thinking." No one wants to be alone: it frees up too much time for thought. And the more you think, the smarter you become - and therefore sadder.
Frederic Beigbeder
“When living with people, do not forget what you learned in solitude. In solitude, ponder what you have learned from communication with people. "
Lev Tolstoy
"Why am I lonely?" - often this question is asked by men who do not have a beloved woman or real friends. If you are not alone of your own free will, then the reasons for this lie in your psychology. Single men are often insecure and have low self-esteem. Therefore, first of all, you should evaluate yourself soberly. Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. In the first, write down everything good that is in you (positive qualities and character traits, abilities, skills, victories, etc.). Try to remember as much as possible. Then re-read all this and sincerely praise yourself for your successes, you are worthy of this, like any other person. It is not necessary to assume that you are worse than others, but also drive away pride - it repels people and leads to loneliness. Now get down to the second column. In it you will criticize yourself, write everything that you do not like about yourself. People with low self-esteem have a big disadvantage - they scold themselves for non-existent shortcomings. Try to avoid this. Now that you've assessed yourself, try to change as many of your cons as possible. Start improving yourself, then it will be interesting to live, and loneliness will recede, because people will be drawn to you. For example, if you think you are stupid, start reading books, watching documentaries, learn something interesting, master a new business. If you do not look handsome or manly enough, GYM's, hairdressers and shops are always at your service. If you are constantly sad and gloomy, start enjoying life. Do not drive yourself into a rigid framework, do not live according to a strict schedule, because besides work and home TV, there are so many interesting things in life! Laugh more often, smile, walk in good weather, take a trip, in general, develop and have fun! Work will not run away, but life will fly by if you are not happy about it. If you consider yourself untalented, most likely you have not tried yourself much. Every person has at least one talent. Your task is to find and develop him or them. Do not be afraid of this!
Well, you have started to change for the better, and the piggy bank of positive qualities is replenished. Now that you have learned to love yourself, it's time to find loved ones. The main allies of loneliness are timidity, insecurity, lack of communication, insecurity, unwillingness to make contact and get to know each other. Let's get rid of them so that we will never ask ourselves: "Why am I alone?" In order to find friends, you must first find people who are pleasant to you, with whom you have something in common. For example, you are interested in a work colleague, so talk to him. The main thing is to find a reason. Word for word - and common interests are found. Who knows, maybe he will be your best friend? You don't have to go far to find such people. These can be workmates, neighbors, people who are passionate about something that interests you. You can always find a reason to communicate with such people. It is also very important to stay alone as little as possible. Do not sit at home within four walls on weekends! You can go to a cinema, a museum, an exhibition, a theater, a concert, a bar, or a walk. There are many places, there would be a desire. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that you go alone. There are many women who do this. And get acquainted, get acquainted! The main thing is to behave correctly. Try to come up with a witty way to get acquainted, do not be intrusive, be tactful. If a person does not want to get acquainted, then there is no need to insist. There are a lot of other people around. It is also important to feel the difference between an acquaintance and a loved one. Do not seek to bare your soul in front of the first person you like. First, it takes some time to develop a friendship. Secondly, excessive frankness when meeting many people repels. Third, you don't know the new person well enough. To trust someone with secrets, you must first make sure that the person is reliable.
However, finding a friend is somewhat easier than a woman who will make you happy. But this does not mean that you will never meet her. It happens that fate itself brings people together, and they are happy together. But this is not always the case. If you want a long-term, sincere, deep relationship, then a woman will have to be won. Here are some tips on how to please a woman:
- Many men mistakenly think that women don't fall in love with ugly ones. Fall in love, and how! A dull appearance is not a reason to remain lonely. Yes, women like beautiful, but if a man cannot offer anything besides this beauty, then he will not be happy in love. A moderately pumped-up body, a neat haircut, a smile, good shoes and a watch, pleasant perfume, clean-shaven skin or a neat beard, clean nails, a confident look, impeccable style of dress and behavior - this is what attracts women! And this can be achieved on your own.
- Women love everything unusual. Learn to think interestingly, read a lot, learn to be an interesting conversationalist. It is important to start an acquaintance outside the box, since most women do not respond to hackneyed phrases. Ideally, what you say is witty and unusual. And if, in addition, half and half with a compliment - this is a success!
- Girls who catch not only the eyes, but also the heart do not spend all their time in clubs. At discos, light short-term acquaintances often occur, mainly with bed overtones. The girl you need most likely loves to visit interesting exhibitions, go to cozy cafes, visit the library, stroll around beautiful waterfront etc.
- Do not use the girl's appearance as the main criterion. Unfortunately, in our time there are many, very beautiful girls outwardly, but empty on the inside. Nice looks are great, treat it as a nice bonus. Let your girl be well-groomed, natural, smiling, with a sparkle in her eyes, beautifully and tastefully dressed and combed. This will make a man happy for more than one night.
- Become the best for her, and she will never leave you! Here is a list of qualities that women really like in men: gallantry, generosity in compliments and gifts, masculinity, tenderness, loyalty, reliability, sincerity, admiration for a woman, a sense of humor, respect for a woman, good breeding, intelligence, prudence, practicality and romance, caring ... If a man makes a woman happy, makes her smile, melt from compliments, experience pleasure and pleasant surprise, feel protected, then he will remain in her heart, if not forever, then for a long time.
And let the thoughts on the topic "why am I lonely" no longer bother you. It is not easy to stop being lonely, because you need to change your views on life and on yourself. But a person who wants to have close people and be happy can do it quite well!
Loneliness is frightening and depressing. Everyone has faced loneliness at least once in their life. Neither men nor women are insured against him. This article will focus on female loneliness, what to do if you are lonely, how to accept and cope with this condition.
Causes of female loneliness
Both young and mature women face loneliness, regardless of age and social status. Someone cannot find a worthy partner, someone, having experienced a painful separation, closes in themselves, and someone remains alone after tragic death a loved one.
There are many situations in life that lead to loneliness, but why do some women easily and painlessly endure it, while others drown in it, harassing themselves?
In psychology, the following reasons for loneliness are distinguished:
- fear of a serious relationship;
- negative attitudes associated with marriage;
- idealization family life, gender stereotypes;
- complexes (low self-esteem).
Fear of a serious relationship
A woman who fears an intimate relationship may not fully realize this. By its nature, it is deeply rooted in the subconscious. Most often, it is formed in childhood, when the girl's environment speaks unflatteringly about the representatives of the opposite sex. If from an early age a girl hears that men have only problems, they are all deceivers, and other angry statements, then this forms her subconscious fear of the opposite sex, serious relationships.
Fear of close relationships develops after a tragic breakup, betrayal or betrayal. A woman, faced with meanness, subconsciously expects her from other men, cannot build harmonious relationships.
A lady who asked the question: “Why am I alone?” Should not seek out mystical reasons and not engage in self-flagellation, but to realize her fears, to work them out.
Negative attitudes associated with marriage
Negative attitudes toward marriage lead to loneliness. This can be both a conscious and a subconscious mindset. Unwillingness to enter into a serious relationship and start a family also comes from childhood. Always swearing parents, disrespect of the father towards the mother - the growing daughter begins to consider marriage a complete torment. Such a girl will most likely grow into a lonely woman suffering from internal conflict. It is based on unwillingness to marry, based on childhood impressions, psychological trauma, and the need to create a family imposed by society. Having understood yourself, having analyzed your experiences, you can get rid of the negative attitude.
Idealization of family life and gender stereotypes
Dreams of a strong, handsome, intelligent, generous, in general, ideal man lead to loneliness. If you get hung up on the search for a "prince" that does not exist in nature, there is a great chance to remain without a pair for life.
For a woman who is a victim of stereotypes and fantasies, it is better to accept the fact that ideal people do not exist.
So what if you are lonely? Understand that everyone has flaws. This does not mean that you have to put up with disrespect, rudeness, physical or psychological abuse. The balance between the pros and cons of a partner is important.
A woman aimed at a worthy partner should not forget about self-improvement, the development of her strengths.
Complexes and low self-esteem
Many outwardly attractive, intelligent women suffer from loneliness. Their main problem is low self-esteem. Uncertainty increases anxiety when dealing with the opposite sex, repels men.
Believing that everyone is unique and worthy of love and happiness is the beginning of problem solving.
If a single woman stops feeling sorry for herself and looks for her own shortcomings, and instead accepts herself, then those around her will notice her merits.
Using loneliness as an opportunity to understand yourself, to develop the strengths of your personality is much more effective than to mourn your unhappy fate. A diary will help with this, in which you can write down your successes, thank yourself.
How to accept loneliness
Loneliness can be comfortable and light, the main thing is to change the attitude towards the situation. Yes, now there is no relationship, no worthy partner, but this does not mean that the situation will not change.
If you consider loneliness as an opportunity to take care of yourself, expand your circle of friends and interests, lead a richer life, do what you have long wanted, then it is not so bad.
The answer to the question of what to do if you are lonely will be: take care of yourself, develop, understand your feelings, fears, experiences, look for their causes and eradicate, find a hobby to your liking. But to blame yourself, looking for shortcomings, you should not feel sorry for yourself, this will only lead to neurosis.
But how to come to terms with female loneliness, learn to live with it? It was said above: accept the situation and use it for your own benefit. After all, a confident, interesting woman is more likely to find a worthy partner.
How to deal with loneliness
Even if we consider loneliness as an opportunity for self-development, most people will not want to stay in it forever.
So what if you are lonely? Do not be sad. Psychologists advise the following:
- Take care of yourself, please yourself with pleasant little things - a great opportunity do not get discouraged.
- Don't forget about friends. You do not need to isolate yourself and refuse to communicate, even when experiencing a difficult break in relations. Spend time with your friends without jealousy of their love life. It is better to be happy for a friend who is doing well than to get angry and spend energy on negativity.
- Live a full life. Attend events: go to exhibitions, concerts, cinema, theater. Find a fun activity that is fun. It doesn't matter what it will be - sports or dancing, painting or handicrafts. Fill your free time with pleasant things, and it just won't be left for despondency.
- Helping others is a great way to avoid feeling lonely, according to psychologists. This will expand your social circle and make you feel needed. Working in a shelter for homeless animals, helping sick children - it doesn't matter, as long as it brings pleasure. And communication with the same enthusiastic people will help you not to feel lonely.
Loneliness after 40 years
Perhaps, female loneliness at 40 is perceived as the most painful.
A special category of single ladies is forties. These are women who have life experience, an established system of values. Most often, they already had family relationships, and not very successful ones. A divorce from a disgusted spouse could lead to loneliness, or he himself "ran away" to a younger one, or the woman became a widow.
Left alone, forty-year-old women choose the following paths for themselves:
- to live for your own pleasure, doing self-realization, helping children and grandchildren, not really caring about the next marriage;
- fix up personal life without giving up trying to meet a worthy partner.
Both choices are worthy of respect.
Separately, it is worth noting single women 40 years old who have never been married. These can be successful individuals or women with a child who were abandoned by a man even before his birth. This group is the most vulnerable in our society.
For some, loneliness at 40 is a deliberate choice: a woman does not want to endure an unworthy man, lives a busy life and is quite happy with it. There are those who find it difficult to live without a life partner, and then loneliness can become a tragedy.
Psychologists advise not to dwell on the problem, but to live life to the fullest, to communicate more with interesting people... It is more difficult to find a partner, but a confident woman will cope with this task.
You do not need to torment yourself with the question: "Why am I lonely?", It is better to change the type of thinking from negative to positive. Finding pluses in your position, seeing the good in the world around you and people, it is easier to become happy. And people glowing with happiness and positive attract attention.
Brief summary
In the psychology of loneliness, women distinguish several reasons (discussed above), but what they have in common is negative attitudes. If you deal with your inner conflicts, understand the reason for certain feelings, then loneliness will not be a burden, it will be easier to cope with it.
And then the answer to the question of what to do if you are lonely is positive thinking and attitude towards yourself.
At any age, it is important to understand yourself, to be aware of your true desires. Having become your most faithful friend and support, it is easy to become happy and make others happy, to defeat loneliness.
